Monday, April 7, 2014

Is This The Stupidest Actor in the History of Television?


Bustle.com Apparently, Skrein left Game of Thrones to star in a Transporter movie as a younger Jason Statham, which quite frankly, doesn’t have the critical adulation that Thrones does, but hey — action movies are action movies, and we aren’t privy to any information about contractual obligations he might have had prior to embarking on his brief journey in Westeros.

So the guy who played Daario Naharis in season 3 of Game of Thrones decided not to come back in season 4 so he could play young Jason Statham in what? A prequel to The Transporter?? Gods! I can only assume there's more to this story because what fucking nutcake gives up the opportunity to be a prominently featured character in what might go down as the most popular cable TV series of all time?? Not only that, but even though he's a relatively new character...this dude had buzz. As much as I wanted to hate him and resent the very existence of this kind of guy, I couldn't. His character was ladies' man incarnate. Girls were creaming themselves over this guy. I've never seen more sexual tension between two characters as there was with him and Khaleesi last year. I haven't read the books but I can only assume that these two fuck at some point. And if they don't it might be the one time HBO actually has to stray from the book. Because Khaleesi wants it. Daario wants it. And goddamn it, the public wants it. The only person that doesn't want it is poor Ser Jorah. Well at least that was the case when this guy was playing Daario. The new guy they cast is such a departure from from the cocky, smoldering, chop-two-guys-heads-off-because-you're-pretty Daario that I don't even think Khaleesi likes him anymore. It's that tangible. I mean, shit, in her first scene she scolds Daario and Grey Worm for sitting there like goofy 10 year olds playing some feats of strength game. That's not the Daario I know. Not at all. I just can't fathom why someone would walk away from one of the most watched and talked about shows on TV, especially when he was probably only a few scenes away from having Emilia Clarke rub her adorable boobs all over him. Crazy stuff.

Dude, get out of my favorite show. Who do you possibly think you are? Yuck.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

That Guy My Ass

So Showtime On Demand has a documentary called "That Guy...Who Was In That Thing". It's about a bunch of character actors who are undeniably recognizable but whenever you see them all you can say is, "Hey, it's that guy.." You don't know their name and you're lucky to remember one thing they were in at all. Anyway, I don't know how many people they approached for this documentary but their list leaves a lot to be desired. There are no hard and fast rules to what exactly makes someone a "that guy", but I'm gonna lay out some loose guidelines and then see how their choices measure up. The first thing you think of when you see a guy is a big indicator. If you think of his real name, he's probably isn't a that guy. If you think of a role he is forever linked to, again...no. If a bunch of shit runs through your head, now you're getting somewhere. But for the most part its a judgment call and it's on a case-by-case basis. Okay, here are the actors featured in the documentary:

Xander Berkeley
Immediately think: George Mason from "24". Followed by Air Force One and Nikita.
Also think: I can't believe I never realized he was the Navy guy in A Few Good Men who assigned the case to Caffey and Weinberg.
Is he a That Guy?: Yes. Even though I had seen the name Xander Berkeley all over the place on different show's credits. Not until Nikita, did I actually put it together that it was this guy. I no longer watch Nikita. Not cause of this guy, I just lost interest.

Bruce Davison
Immediately think: Hey, it's Bruce Davison. X-Men, Harry and the Hendersons TV Show, Administrator of Susan's estate on Seinfeld.
Also think: He's related to Ed Begley, Jr. and I have no idea why they're keeping it a secret.
Is he a That Guy?: I say no. It's Bruce Davison. I know who he is and I think lots of other people do too.


Mark Rolston
Immediately think: It's Boggs from Shawshank!
Also think: It's Boggs from Shawshank!
Is he a That Guy?: No. Even though this guy's been in a bunch of other things and no one's ever gonna remember the name Mark Rolston, you never say "that guy". You say Boggs. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Rick Worthy
Immediately think: That's not Mike Cannon from Las Vegas but maybe it's the black guy who married Keira Knightley in Love Actually.
Also think: I have no fucking clue who this guy is but did you know that Rick from the Walking Dead was the guy who pined for Keira Knightley, his best friend's wife, in Love Actually?
Is he a That Guy?: I looked him up and he was in some Star Trek stuff...but cut the shit.

Stanley Kamel
Immediately think: Tony Marchette, Antonia's dad, from the original 90210.
Also think: He was Amanda Woodward's boss who I think hung himself in Melrose Place. All these same thoughts ran through my head when I saw him pop up on the In Memoriam list during the Oscars a few years ago.
Is he a That Guy?: Debatable, I guess. But not in my book.

Timothy Omundson

Immediately think: It's Brom the idiot, wannabe gold-digger from Deadwood Season 1.
Also think: Stop looking at me like that.
Is he a That Guy?: I say no. Sure he's been in other stuff. Like I remember him in Jericho, but when I see him my memory doesn't start racing to remember all the other shit he was in.

William Morgan Sheppard
Immediately think: Heyyyy, youuuu!!??? I honestly have never seen this guy in anything and I refuse to look up his IMDB to prove myself wrong.
Also think: I did Google Image him to get this pic and his name didn't even autofill as a potential search result until the second P in his last name.
Is he a That Guy?: No fucking way.

Zach Grenier
Immediately think: This guy has been in a bunch of shit. Vintage that guy material. And the only role I can think of off the top of my head is the pot smoking producer in Entourage.
Also think: Speaking of Entourage, girls probably see his name in the opening credits of shows sometimes and smile because they think they're gonna see Adrian Grenier, aka Vince.
Is he a That Guy?: No question. Almost offsets the whole William Morgan Sheppard debacle.

Craig Fairbrass
Immediately think: This guy looks familiar.
Also think: But not familiar enough. Maybe he'll be in Strike Back season 3??
Is he a That Guy?: No. He's a "who?".

JC Mackenzie
Immediately think: Hey, it's Dexter's neighbor who wanted to fuck Rita and Dexter scared the fuck out of him in his garage.
Also think: Lot's of commercials too.
Is he a That Guy?: This is the one that separates the Strict That Guy constructionists from the Loose That Guy constructionists. I'm a strict one.

Matt Malloy
Immediately think: Is that the high-talking husband who thought his wife was cheating on him in Seinfeld?
Also think: It's not, but this guy does have one of those faces that I feel like I see everywhere.
Is he a That Guy?: Borderline. But I won't look at you funny if you think he is one.

Paul Guilfoyle
Immediately think: It's Captain Brass from CSI.
Also think: Was in Cadillac Man.
Is he a That Guy?: I think he might have started off as a recurring character but this guy has been a series regular for the greater majority of the run of one of the most successful shows in TV history; almost 300 episodes. He's not a that guy. He's Captain Jim Fucking Brass from CSI.


Robert Joy
Immediately think: Seth Myers afflicted with progeria.
Also think: Do I not watch nearly as much TV as I think I do?
Is he a That Guy?: No. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

Gregory Itzin
Immediately think: It's President Charles Logan from "24", and shame on you if it's not what you think.
Also think: Never forget, never forgive. RIP David Palmer.
Is he a That Guy?: Fuck no. Once you become forever and universally identified with one character like Greg is with Pres. Logan, your that guy card gets shredded. No two ways about it.

Wade Williams
Immediately think: The asshole prison guard from Prison Break.
Also think: He's been in some other stuff too but nothing as memorable as the scene in Prison Break when he dipped his french fries in his milk shake. That, coupled with the way he slurped his shake still make me sick to my stomach to think about.
Is he a That Guy?: Doesn't feel like one to me. I'm getting tired of coming up with different ways to say why not.

Zeljko Ivanek
Immediately think: Damages, "24", The Event, Trueblood and a thousand other things.
Also think: Impossible that he doesn't speak in an Eastern Euro accent in real life.
Is he a That Guy?: Yes! He's a that guy hall of famer. He's been in a bunch of shit. He usually plays an impactful character, no matter how featured he is in the episode or series. He's all over the place.


Now here are just a few true that guys who either turned down the producers offer to be in the documentary or never occurred to them at all:

William Fichtner

Immediately think: The man who asked permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man he's ever met.
Also think: Prison Break, Drowning Mona (hilarious fucking movie), Invasion (great TV show that the rest of the world was too stupid to appreciate)
Is he a That Guy?: Textbook.

Richard Gant
Immediately think: Ossie Davis looks great.
Also think: Honestly, I've seen this guy in a bunch of stuff and always assumed he was Ossie Davis. Finally the other day I watched some quirky comedy where Rachel Bilson fell in love with some kid even though he'd been stalking her since childhood, anyway this guy was in it and I thought "How the fuck does Ossie Davis look so good? Grumpy Old Men was like 20 years ago, he has to be 90 by now". So I looked it up and Ossie is long dead and this guy's name is Richard Gant.
Is he a That Guy?: Ya, he's been one the whole time.

Michael Gaston
Immediately think: Jesus Christ, this fucking guy again!
Also think: Prison Break, Fringe, Jericho, Mad Men, The Mentalist, Last Resort...you can't even call yourself a prime time drama these days until Michael Gaston shows up. I almost shit when I first saw Inception assuming I was in a Gaston-free zone only to see him snag 10 seconds of screen time as the customs officer who says "Welcome Home" to Leo at the end. The fact that this guy never guest starred on LOST blows my mind. He is literally in everything.
Is he a That Guy?: He will probably go down in history as the gold standard of that guys. When I went to Google image him earlier I typed his name in as Quinn Gray. When that only returned results of a kidnapped rich woman, I had to look up his real name by IMDB'ing Jericho. And as it turns out his name on Prison Break was Quinn and his name on Jericho was Gray. That guy at it's finest. Role after role just running into each other in your head.














Friday, July 27, 2012

I Don't Understand the John Travolta Gay Rumors. No, Yeah I do.


From Grease to Greece: Travolta and De Niro on holiday | euronews, world news
(click link and watch video)

So John Travolta, perhaps in an effort to let the dust settle from the swarm of gay sex scandals surrounding him, decided to vacation on the gayest island in the world, Mykonos, and accept anal beads from a local male reporter. The whispers should stop any day now.

This whole thing with Travolta has had me doing a lot of thinking. I think with these guys, these mega movie stars, any semblance of conventional behavior is off the table. Like, they can come off normal on the talk shows and all that stuff, but off camera... they say, do and fuck what they want, when they want. It's a power thing. Let's say Travolta sees some pretty boy waiter hitting on his wife. You think he's gonna have the manager fire the kid? No. He's gonna have the kid back to his house for drinks and bully fuck him. You like my wife? Well you're getting me. I'm more famous than her. Don't worry about it. Yeah it's gay, but its also more about proving their power. It's like that movie "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead"...Jonathan Rhys Myers is a cocky, little ladies' man and evil nutbag Malcolm McDowell doesn't like the cut of his jib. He resents him big time. So what does he do? He has a couple of thugs hold him down while he buttfucks the shit out of him just to take him down a notch. There is definitely a seedy underbelly of sexual lawlessness in the celebrity nightlife that we civilians can't even comprehend. I'm talking parties where movie stars just run around giggling and pulling on whose ever dick they want to and if they feel like fucking a girl, they do that too; a regular old Hollywood Gay Power Orgy. So this Travolta thing with the massages doesn't surprise me in the least. There are two movie stars who I would be surprised to hear gay stories about; George Clooney and Tom Hanks. Clooney probably hasn't even yanked his own dick since the night ER premiered never mind anyone else's and Hanks just seems like he doesn't live in that world. As for the rest of them, no one would surprise me. Leo? He was way too fancy in his younger days to have not fallen prey to some perv producer. Cruise? He's too weird not to have. Everybody knows Robert Downey, Jr. used to eat cock for breakfast. Brad Pitt was probably a casting couch victim and I'm sure has kicked the dog a couple of times since then. Johnny Depp? Gun to your head, of course you'd say he has. The whole thing makes me afraid to ever become famous because I know some day one of my movie star buddies is gonna be like, "Have you done it yet?" and I'll be like, "What?" and he'll say, "Dick, man. You gotta do it. It's a riot."

Hollywood changes you for the weirder.

Oh, and I really hope DeNiro was just vaca'ing with Travolta because they're doing a movie together or something. His penchant for marrying and having kids with questionably attractive black women does make him suspect. I don't even want to think about it.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Nantasket's # 1! Nantasket's #1!



Boston.com - With the summer beach season under way, an environmental advocacy group is releasing a first-ever list of the Boston-area’s cleanest beaches, putting Nantasket beach in Hull on top and King’s beach in Lynn at the bottom.

The report by Save the Harbor/Save the Bay — relying on 2011 swimming season data from the Massachusetts Water Resources Authority, Department of Conservation and Recreation, U.S. Environment Protection Agency — outlines the water quality conditions of 18 Boston-area DCR-run beach locations.

Well congratulations to Nantasket Beach but isn't ranking Boston area beaches a little like walking into a Wal-Mart and picking out the best looking person? It doesn't matter how clean it is inside when it's covered with rocks and fat people. I understand the convenience of the local beaches and girls like to lay out and guys like to look at them, but that's not enough to make me spend a day at any beach around here. For my money I'll wake up early, pack up the car and head over the bridge. Plus, my blood is way too warm for that frigid water at Nantasket, every time I step in I feel like my shins are gonna freeze up and break off of my leg.  Cape or bust.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Nothing to See Here


Deadspin - A reader, whom we'll call Rob, emailed us Monday night with the photo you see above. The photo came with this message:

Looks like Terry francona is not too smart. Sending this picture to my 27 year old girlfriend isn't a smart move. Big job like his, he seems to trust a lot of people. Not sure how this picture would turn any girl on but good luck to him and his 53 year body.


Rob knew that his girlfriend, who lives in Tuscon, Ariz., had recently met Francona, a former University of Arizona ballplayer. After he sent us the towel photo, Rob wrote back to say he discovered that she had also exchanged a number of text messages with Francona: "I just saw phone records of them going back and forth. No content."

Rob wrote that he had "no idea" what this was adding up to. "Lots of texts and that pic. Can only mean he's trying to get with her."

He sent us an open letter to Terry Francona, which read as follows:

Hey Terry,


I was wondering why you would be flirting with my girlfriend, who is over 20 years younger than you, by sending pictures of yourself half-naked in a towel? Isn't one of your own children the same age as my girlfriend?


Next time you decide to do this, make sure the girl doesnt have a boyfriend. You would think that you would be more careful since you work for ESPN. I hope more girls come out saying you sent them the same stuff. You could be the next Tiger Woods. Scumbag.


As of Tuesday evening, we were all set to publish a post this morning about Francona emailing photos of himself half-naked in a towel to somebody's girlfriend. But then Rob sent us another email, and our heart ached for him a little.

So it looks like i found a picture she sent him first at 607pm on the 25th which is why he sent her a pic.


After reading all that I guess my first question is, "How does a 13 year old kid get a girl with tits like that?" Because there's just no other way to explain being as stupid and naive as "Rob" here unless you're 13. Does he think he's getting the best of Tito by sending this stuff to Deadspin? Does he know that the joke couldn't be more on him? Tito did absolutely nothing wrong. A 27 year old girl (which Francona probably considers old) sends him a shitty cropped cleavage pic and he shoots her back a "look at me living it up in Miami" or wherever the hell he is pic. Half-naked? I guess technically he is, but what's your point, Rob? He'd be showing more skin if he was just in his bathing suit. 


I was wondering why you would be flirting with my girlfriend, who is over 20 years younger than you, by sending pictures of yourself half-naked in a towel?


Is that a rhetorical question? Rob, you're such a whiny shithead. Your gf fucked Tito Francona and judging by your personality she's fucked some regular guys too. Either you guys have been together since High School and she doesn't have the balls to dump you or you've been dating for like a month and she doesn't know why you're calling her your girlfriend. Either way, you lose.


Tiger Woods? You dickhead. The ESPN guys were probably laughing when they read this story. It's a far cry from the Steve Phillips and Harold Reynolds stuff. Some delusional crybaby leaking a story about his girlfriend fucking a successful older guy who's estranged from his wife. On a scale of 1 to 10 the creepiness/inappropriateness factor is a zero. Seriously, Rob. Grow up.



Tuesday, April 3, 2012

There's Something About Live Action Teddy Bears



When I first saw the teddy bear in the Snuggles fabric softener commercials, I thought "Oh, how cute." Didn't everybody? But then I saw the teddy bear in the movie AI: Artificial Intelligence and I realized that live action teddy bears were my favorite thing in the world. And now I see the trailer for the new movie Ted and the minute that fucking teddy bear came running into the room and jumped in the bed I melted. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to bang these things or anything. I just want to walk around with one hanging on my shoulders, shimmying down my back and skipping backwards in front of me asking me questions as we walk along together.And yeah, of course I want him to sleep in bed with me. The thing's a teddy bear after all. That's what he lives for.


Friday, January 27, 2012

This Idol Contestant's Husband Might Want to Stop Encouraging Her


I wonder if this guy knows that by rooting for his wife to have any level of success on American Idol he is effectively rooting for the end of his marriage. Let me just read between the lines and summarize what was said in this girl's "intro" package. When she was 15 she dropped out of high school and went to NYC to become a singer. She immediately failed and became a junkie and a prostitute. She returned home and performed a "cry for help" suicide attempt. A giant magic leprechaun then told her that he owned his own house and she could stay with him. She eventually had sex with him because she felt obligated and she agreed to marry him when she realized how much he could and was willing to provide for her. Now that she's back on her feet and ready to live again, she's trying out for Idol and it's only a matter of time before it's "bye-bye, big guy". Because make no mistake about it, this girl is making the final 24 or 32 or however many make it to the live shows, then the 12 in the mansion and the red-carpet premieres and Ford commercials. And whether she wins or not makes no difference. She'll be in the Idol family, on the summer tour, banging guys that aren't her husband all day long. Before she leaves on the tour, her husband will look at her and say "But I want to come!" And she'll just smile, wave and say, "But you're not invited, fatso".