That Guy My Ass

So Showtime On Demand has a documentary called "That Guy...Who Was In That Thing". It's about a bunch of character actors who are undeniably recognizable but whenever you see them all you can say is, "Hey, it's that guy.." You don't know their name and you're lucky to remember one thing they were in at all. Anyway, I don't know how many people they approached for this documentary but their list leaves a lot to be desired. There are no hard and fast rules to what exactly makes someone a "that guy", but I'm gonna lay out some loose guidelines and then see how their choices measure up. The first thing you think of when you see a guy is a big indicator. If you think of his real name, he's probably isn't a that guy. If you think of a role he is forever linked to, again...no. If a bunch of shit runs through your head, now you're getting somewhere. But for the most part its a judgment call and it's on a case-by-case basis. Okay, here are the actors featured in the documentary:

Xander Berkeley

Immediately think: George Mason from "24". Followed by Air Force One and Nikita.
Also think: I can't believe I never realized he was the Navy guy in A Few Good Men who assigned the case to Caffey and Weinberg.
Is he a That Guy?: Yes. Even though I had seen the name Xander Berkeley all over the place on different show's credits. Not until Nikita, did I actually put it together that it was this guy. I no longer watch Nikita. Not cause of this guy, I just lost interest.

Bruce Davison

Immediately think: Hey, it's Bruce Davison. X-Men, Harry and the Hendersons TV Show, Administrator of Susan's estate on Seinfeld.
Also think: He's related to Ed Begley, Jr. and I have no idea why they're keeping it a secret.
Is he a That Guy?: I say no. It's Bruce Davison. I know who he is and I think lots of other people do too.

Mark Rolston

Immediately think: It's Boggs from Shawshank!
Also think: It's Boggs from Shawshank!
Is he a That Guy?: No. Even though this guy's been in a bunch of other things and no one's ever gonna remember the name Mark Rolston, you never say "that guy". You say Boggs. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

Rick Worthy

Immediately think: That's not Mike Cannon from Las Vegas but maybe it's the black guy who married Keira Knightley in Love Actually.
Also think: I have no fucking clue who this guy is but did you know that Rick from the Walking Dead was the guy who pined for Keira Knightley, his best friend's wife, in Love Actually?
Is he a That Guy?: I looked him up and he was in some Star Trek stuff...but cut the shit.

Stanley Kamel

Immediately think: Tony Marchette, Antonia's dad, from the original 90210.
Also think: He was Amanda Woodward's boss who I think hung himself in Melrose Place. All these same thoughts ran through my head when I saw him pop up on the In Memoriam list during the Oscars a few years ago.
Is he a That Guy?: Debatable, I guess. But not in my book.

Timothy Omundson

Immediately think: It's Brom the idiot, wannabe gold-digger from Deadwood Season 1.
Also think: Stop looking at me like that.
Is he a That Guy?: I say no. Sure he's been in other stuff. Like I remember him in Jericho, but when I see him my memory doesn't start racing to remember all the other shit he was in.

William Morgan Sheppard

Immediately think: Heyyyy, youuuu!!??? I honestly have never seen this guy in anything and I refuse to look up his IMDB to prove myself wrong.
Also think: I did Google Image him to get this pic and his name didn't even autofill as a potential search result until the second P in his last name.
Is he a That Guy?: No fucking way.

Zach Grenier

Immediately think: This guy has been in a bunch of shit. Vintage that guy material. And the only role I can think of off the top of my head is the pot smoking producer in Entourage.
Also think: Speaking of Entourage, girls probably see his name in the opening credits of shows sometimes and smile because they think they're gonna see Adrian Grenier, aka Vince.
Is he a That Guy?: No question. Almost offsets the whole William Morgan Sheppard debacle.

Craig Fairbrass

Immediately think: This guy looks familiar.
Also think: But not familiar enough. Maybe he'll be in Strike Back season 3??
Is he a That Guy?: No. He's a "who?".

JC Mackenzie

Immediately think: Hey, it's Dexter's neighbor who wanted to fuck Rita and Dexter scared the fuck out of him in his garage.
Also think: Lot's of commercials too.
Is he a That Guy?: This is the one that separates the Strict That Guy constructionists from the Loose That Guy constructionists. I'm a strict one.

Matt Malloy

Immediately think: Is that the high-talking husband who thought his wife was cheating on him in Seinfeld?
Also think: It's not, but this guy does have one of those faces that I feel like I see everywhere.
Is he a That Guy?: Borderline. But I won't look at you funny if you think he is one.

Paul Guilfoyle

Immediately think: It's Captain Brass from CSI.
Also think: Was in Cadillac Man.
Is he a That Guy?: I think he might have started off as a recurring character but this guy has been a series regular for the greater majority of the run of one of the most successful shows in TV history; almost 300 episodes. He's not a that guy. He's Captain Jim Fucking Brass from CSI.

Robert Joy

Immediately think: Seth Myers afflicted with progeria.
Also think: Do I not watch nearly as much TV as I think I do?
Is he a That Guy?: No. Seriously, who the fuck is this guy?

Gregory Itzin

Immediately think: It's President Charles Logan from "24", and shame on you if it's not what you think.
Also think: Never forget, never forgive. RIP David Palmer.
Is he a That Guy?: Fuck no. Once you become forever and universally identified with one character like Greg is with Pres. Logan, your that guy card gets shredded. No two ways about it.

Wade Williams

Immediately think: The asshole prison guard from Prison Break.
Also think: He's been in some other stuff too but nothing as memorable as the scene in Prison Break when he dipped his french fries in his milk shake. That, coupled with the way he slurped his shake still make me sick to my stomach to think about.
Is he a That Guy?: Doesn't feel like one to me. I'm getting tired of coming up with different ways to say why not.

Zeljko Ivanek

Immediately think: Damages, "24", The Event, Trueblood and a thousand other things.
Also think: Impossible that he doesn't speak in an Eastern Euro accent in real life.
Is he a That Guy?: Yes! He's a that guy hall of famer. He's been in a bunch of shit. He usually plays an impactful character, no matter how featured he is in the episode or series. He's all over the place.


Now here are just a few true that guys who either turned down the producers offer to be in the documentary or never occurred to them at all:

William Fichtner

Immediately think: The man who asked permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man he's ever met.
Also think: Prison Break, Drowning Mona (hilarious fucking movie), Invasion (great TV show that the rest of the world was too stupid to appreciate)
Is he a That Guy?: Textbook.

Richard Gant

Immediately think: Ossie Davis looks great.
Also think: Honestly, I've seen this guy in a bunch of stuff and always assumed he was Ossie Davis. Finally the other day I watched some quirky comedy where Rachel Bilson fell in love with some kid even though he'd been stalking her since childhood, anyway this guy was in it and I thought "How the fuck does Ossie Davis look so good? Grumpy Old Men was like 20 years ago, he has to be 90 by now". So I looked it up and Ossie is long dead and this guy's name is Richard Gant.
Is he a That Guy?: Ya, he's been one the whole time.

Michael Gaston

Immediately think: Jesus Christ, this fucking guy again!
Also think: Prison Break, Fringe, Jericho, Mad Men, The Mentalist, Last Resort...you can't even call yourself a prime time drama these days until Michael Gaston shows up. I almost shit when I first saw Inception assuming I was in a Gaston-free zone only to see him snag 10 seconds of screen time as the customs officer who says "Welcome Home" to Leo at the end. The fact that this guy never guest starred on LOST blows my mind. He is literally in everything.
Is he a That Guy?: He will probably go down in history as the gold standard of that guys. When I went to Google image him earlier I typed his name in as Quinn Gray. When that only returned results of a kidnapped rich woman, I had to look up his real name by IMDB'ing Jericho. And as it turns out his name on Prison Break was Quinn and his name on Jericho was Gray. That guy at it's finest. Role after role just running into each other in your head.

Nantasket's # 1! Nantasket's #1!

Boston.com - With the summer beach season under way, an environmental advocacy group is releasing a first-ever list of the Boston-area’s cleanest beaches, putting Nantasket beach in Hull on top and King’s beach in Lynn at the bottom.

The report by Save the Harbor/Save the Bay — relying on 2011 swimming season data from the Massachusetts Water Resources Authority, Department of Conservation and Recreation, U.S. Environment Protection Agency — outlines the water quality conditions of 18 Boston-area DCR-run beach locations.

Well congratulations to Nantasket Beach but isn't ranking Boston area beaches a little like walking into a Wal-Mart and picking out the best looking person? It doesn't matter how clean it is inside when it's covered with rocks and fat people. I understand the convenience of the local beaches and girls like to lay out and guys like to look at them, but that's not enough to make me spend a day at any beach around here. For my money I'll wake up early, pack up the car and head over the bridge. Plus, my blood is way too warm for that frigid water at Nantasket, every time I step in I feel like my shins are gonna freeze up and break off of my leg.  Cape or bust.

Nothing to See Here

Deadspin - A reader, whom we'll call Rob, emailed us Monday night with the photo you see above. The photo came with this message:

Looks like Terry francona is not too smart. Sending this picture to my 27 year old girlfriend isn't a smart move. Big job like his, he seems to trust a lot of people. Not sure how this picture would turn any girl on but good luck to him and his 53 year body.


Rob knew that his girlfriend, who lives in Tuscon, Ariz., had recently met Francona, a former University of Arizona ballplayer. After he sent us the towel photo, Rob wrote back to say he discovered that she had also exchanged a number of text messages with Francona: "I just saw phone records of them going back and forth. No content."

Rob wrote that he had "no idea" what this was adding up to. "Lots of texts and that pic. Can only mean he's trying to get with her."

He sent us an open letter to Terry Francona, which read as follows:

Hey Terry,


I was wondering why you would be flirting with my girlfriend, who is over 20 years younger than you, by sending pictures of yourself half-naked in a towel? Isn't one of your own children the same age as my girlfriend?


Next time you decide to do this, make sure the girl doesnt have a boyfriend. You would think that you would be more careful since you work for ESPN. I hope more girls come out saying you sent them the same stuff. You could be the next Tiger Woods. Scumbag.


As of Tuesday evening, we were all set to publish a post this morning about Francona emailing photos of himself half-naked in a towel to somebody's girlfriend. But then Rob sent us another email, and our heart ached for him a little.

So it looks like i found a picture she sent him first at 607pm on the 25th which is why he sent her a pic.

After reading all that I guess my first question is, "How does a 13 year old kid get a girl with tits like that?" Because there's just no other way to explain being as stupid and naive as "Rob" here unless you're 13. Does he think he's getting the best of Tito by sending this stuff to Deadspin? Does he know that the joke couldn't be more on him? Tito did absolutely nothing wrong. A 27 year old girl (which Francona probably considers old) sends him a shitty cropped cleavage pic and he shoots her back a "look at me living it up in Miami" or wherever the hell he is pic. Half-naked? I guess technically he is, but what's your point, Rob? He'd be showing more skin if he was just in his bathing suit. 


I was wondering why you would be flirting with my girlfriend, who is over 20 years younger than you, by sending pictures of yourself half-naked in a towel?


Is that a rhetorical question? Rob, you're such a whiny shithead. Your gf fucked Tito Francona and judging by your personality she's fucked some regular guys too. Either you guys have been together since High School and she doesn't have the balls to dump you or you've been dating for like a month and she doesn't know why you're calling her your girlfriend. Either way, you lose.


Tiger Woods? You dickhead. The ESPN guys were probably laughing when they read this story. It's a far cry from the Steve Phillips and Harold Reynolds stuff. Some delusional crybaby leaking a story about his girlfriend fucking a successful older guy who's estranged from his wife. On a scale of 1 to 10 the creepiness/inappropriateness factor is a zero. Seriously, Rob. Grow up.

There's Something About Live Action Teddy Bears

When I first saw the teddy bear in the Snuggles fabric softener commercials, I thought "Oh, how cute." Didn't everybody? But then I saw the teddy bear in the movie AI: Artificial Intelligence and I realized that live action teddy bears were my favorite thing in the world. And now I see the trailer for the new movie Ted and the minute that fucking teddy bear came running into the room and jumped in the bed I melted. Don't get me wrong; I don't want to bang these things or anything. I just want to walk around with one hanging on my shoulders, shimmying down my back and skipping backwards in front of me asking me questions as we walk along together.And yeah, of course I want him to sleep in bed with me. The thing's a teddy bear after all. That's what he lives for.

This Idol Contestant's Husband Might Want to Stop Encouraging Her

I wonder if this guy knows that by rooting for his wife to have any level of success on American Idol he is effectively rooting for the end of his marriage. Let me just read between the lines and summarize what was said in this girl's "intro" package. When she was 15 she dropped out of high school and went to NYC to become a singer. She immediately failed and became a junkie and a prostitute. She returned home and performed a "cry for help" suicide attempt. A giant magic leprechaun then told her that he owned his own house and she could stay with him. She eventually had sex with him because she felt obligated and she agreed to marry him when she realized how much he could and was willing to provide for her. Now that she's back on her feet and ready to live again, she's trying out for Idol and it's only a matter of time before it's "bye-bye, big guy". Because make no mistake about it, this girl is making the final 24 or 32 or however many make it to the live shows, then the 12 in the mansion and the red-carpet premieres and Ford commercials. And whether she wins or not makes no difference. She'll be in the Idol family, on the summer tour, banging guys that aren't her husband all day long. Before she leaves on the tour, her husband will look at her and say "But I want to come!" And she'll just smile, wave and say, "But you're not invited, fatso".

Am I The Only Person Who Knows That The Chicken Nugget Girl is Either Autistic or a Big Fat Liar?

Daily Mail - Ever since she was a toddler, Stacey Irvine has eaten little else but chicken nuggets and the occasional portion of chips.

Now, at the age of 17, she has been warned by doctors to change her appalling diet or die.

The factory worker – who says she has never tasted fresh fruit or vegetables – had to be taken to hospital earlier this week when she collapsed after struggling to breathe.

Yet following her admission to hospital, she has conceded that the diet is having a negative impact on her health.

‘I am starting to realise this is really bad for me,’ she said. ‘My main meal is always chicken nuggets every day.

‘McDonald’s chicken nuggets are my favourite. I share 20 with my boyfriend with chips.

‘But I also like KFC and supermarket brands.’

A less serious consequence of her craving is that she is struggling to store all the free toys that come with the fast food meals, she added – they fill four bin bags.

You can only draw one of two conclusions when reading this story. Either this girl is autistic or she and her family are full of shit. It's tough to think that a girl can look relatively healthy and decently cute after 15 years of ingesting virtually nothing but rubbery chicken nuggets. If anybody saw that douchebag Super Size Me documentary they know that guy's doctor pretty much pronounced him dead after a month of that shit. Every one of his tests were off the chart bad news. I've honestly been on a weeklong McD's/BK bender and I feel like my stomach is about to just slide out through my ass and run away. But on the other hand she's 17 years old, works in a factory, stubbornly adheres to a strict diet of one specific meal, and keeps every happy meal toy she's ever got. That has autism spectrum written all over it. But I have to say the boyfriend is a tiebreaker making "full of shit" the winner.

J.D. Drew, We Hardly Knew Ye (really)

Nesn.com - It was pretty obvious that J.D. Drew's career with the Red Sox was over after he became a free agent following the 2011 season. Now, the 36-year-old could be hanging it up altogether.

Drew is "very likely to retire," according to CBS Sports' Jon Heyman.

Drew was in the final season of a five-year, $70 million contract in 2011. He appeared in just 81 games for Boston, batting .222 with four home runs and 22 RBIs.

Plagued by injuries during his tenure with the Red Sox, Drew never drove in more than 70 runs in his five seasons with the team. Arguably his most successful season came in 2008, when he batted .280, hit 19 homers and drove in 64 runs.  Despite being named the All-Star Game MVP that year, Drew played in just 109 games.

Drew's shining moment in a Red Sox uniform came during Game 6 of the 2007 American League Championship Series, when he hit a first-inning grand slam that helped lead the Red Sox to a 12-2 win.

I'm not sure what the more obvious lame joke here is, 1) Which team's cap do you think J.D. will wear to the Hall? or 2) I thought J.D. Drew retired two years ago. But the real reason I bring up this article is for the sentence "Despite being named All-Star Game MVP that year, Drew played in just 109 games." Whoever wrote this sentence is a shithead or a 5th grader, plain and simple. There's just no way any adult who aspires to be a sportswriter can get away with implying there is a correlation between a player winning the Ted Williams award and how many games they ultimately played that year. I mean, the All-Star game doesn't even count as a game played, never mind the fact that whoever wins the All-Star MVP can only have played in a maximum of 85-90 games at that point. Stupid. And for my money, J.D.'s shining moment wasn't his 1st inning granny in an eventual blow-out. It was his 2-run HR to give the Sox life in game 5 of the 2008 ALCS followed by his eventual walk-off single. I know Tampa won the series but the last 3 innings of that game 5 were sick and the living legend, J.D. Drew, made it happen.

The World is Mad at Twitter

Boston.com - Twitter, a tool of choice for dissidents and activists around the world, found itself the target of global outrage Friday after unveiling plans to allow country-specific censorship of tweets that might break local laws.


"This is very bad news," tweeted Egyptian activist Mahmoud Salem, who operates under the name Sandmonkey. Later, he wrote, "Is it safe to say that (hash)Twitter is selling us out?"

Reporters Without Borders, which advocates globally for press freedom, sent a letter to Twitter's executive chairman, Jack Dorsey, urging that the censorship policy be ditched immediately.

"By finally choosing to align itself with the censors, Twitter is depriving cyberdissidents in repressive countries of a crucial tool for information and organization," the letter said. "Twitter's position that freedom of expression is interpreted differently from country to country is unacceptable."


Many of the critics assailing the new policy suggested that it was devised as part of a long-term plan for Twitter to enter China, where its service is currently blocked.


On one hand, he said, Twitter could put its employees in peril if it was deemed to be breaking local laws.

Are people really mad that Twitter is taking steps to prevent potential laws being broken that they might be blamed for by other lunatic world leaders? Like are revolutions and uprisings all across the globe now being thwarted because the guy who invented Twitter wants to make it available to China without worrying about being kidnapped by their government? That quote from Reporters without Borders is insane on a number of levels. First off, a cyberdissident sounds like a real asshole. Secondly, Twitter is depriving you of a crucial tool for information? They didn't come in and take all the computers and iPhones out of Egypt. Is Sandmonkey saying that without Twitter he'll be forced to type nothing while he hides in his bathtub all day? Thirdly, "Twitter's position that all freedom of expression is interpreted differently from country to country is unacceptable"??? Really? Tell that to the people that didn't cry at Kim Jung Il's funeral. Actually, you can't. They're all dead. Everyone should just let Twitter worry about not getting itself blown up and know that you can still use it, just don't be smarmy, illegal dickheads about it.