Florida Teen Wakes Up After Being In A Coma Which Happened After He Ate Someone's Face

What? I was hungry.

NY Daily News - The Florida teen accused of killing a couple and biting off parts of a man’s face has regained consciousness.

Austin Harrouff, a 19-year-old Florida State University student, is awake but has not been able to speak to investigators, the Martin County Sheriff’s Office said in a statement.

He has been in a coma since he was arrested for stabbing Michelle Mishcon, 53, and John Stevens III, 59, outside their home in Tequesta earlier this month and beginning to eat parts of Stevens' face.

I have to imagine being in a coma is pretty traumatic for the person's family. And the person in a coma probably just thinks they're sleeping and they have some pretty fucked up dreams from what I hear. So waking up from a coma has to be such a relief. Until that point, which I would guess is right after you wake up and you say to yourself, "Now what was I doing right before I fell asleep? Ohh shit. I was being tazed by the police because I just ate someone's face off. Fuck. Why did I do that?" Sounds like this kid was in a coma for a couple of weeks so who knows what new reality he had crafted for himself inside that twisted head of his...but it had to be a better place than the one where he killed two people and started eating one of their faces. Had to be. There is no way this kid's family wanted him to wake from this coma. How do you even begin to deal with that? I'm pretty sure the golden rule of going into a coma after committing murder and cannibalism is...stay in a coma. Such teenage hubris to actually wake up.

Cecil The Lion's Wives Move On

Daily Mail - Staff at the park feared Cecil’s pride – seven cubs and three lionesses – would not survive the inevitable fight for control of his territory.

But pictures taken this week by professional guide Lewis Mangaba reveal that two of Cecil’s mates have now accepted a new male to lead Cecil’s pride, which he hopes means the dead cat's legacy is secured.

'The lion is known as Bhubhesi and has been pursuing the lionesses for more than a year, since after Cecil was killed. 

'Up until now there has been conflict between them. He has tried to steal their kills and they could not trust him,’ Lewis explained to MailOnline.

‘The fact that they are now allowing him to mate with them, to be around their young means that there is an element of trust towards him to keep them safe.

‘It is unusual for a lioness to find a new mate within two years of losing their male, so this was unexpected.

So life goes on in the animal kingdom just like anywhere else. But just thank God that Cecil is dead. Because if I was a lion and my wife left me for another lion, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I'd be torturing myself with images in my head of them together. And this image above will haunt a cuckolded lion til his dying day. This is EXACTLY what you don't want to think about. Never mind having to see it on the internet. This alpha lion gently mounting her from behind, playfully biting her head while she smiles and writhes in ecstasy. I mean, cut the shit. I don't know what else to say other than this is one of the sexiest and most beautiful pictures I've ever seen.

Also, Bhubhesi plays a serious game. Stealing their food and stuff until they agree to fuck him. Can't get away with that in the city.

Shirt Tuckers Live The Life

Today Style - Perhaps most dress codes should say "shirt tuck required."

After all, research conducted by Fruit of the Loom in 2015 revealed that men who tuck their shirts in at work make more money than those who don't. And we're not talking mere pennies: The average salary for tuckers was $77,886 versus $65,578 for the non-tuckers. The survey also found that tuckers are happier at work and more optimistic about the future.

That $65K average salary for non-tuckers has to be inflated by NBA players. Because people who don't tuck in their shirt are slobs who have given up on life and shouldn't be making more than 22K/year. Like what are you saying to yourself when you get home from work and loosen your tie and pull your shirt out of your pants? You're saying "What a day, I give up, I've had enough". Untuckers are saying that from the minute they wake up. Don't get me wrong, of course there are situations and styles that demand an untucked shirt, but I have to assume this study was done relative to conventional shirt tuck scenarios. So if you work in an office and are walking around with your shirt untucked, casual Friday or not, you're not right in the head and probably don't even realize that you're making 12K less than the tucker next to you. So of course people who tuck are happier and more optimistic. But it's not like an untucker can just start tucking and his life will change. That ship has already sailed. You don't tuck to be happy. You're already happy, so yeah, you tuck.

I Hope Johnny Depp Realizes He's Not Dead

The Morning Ledger - Johnny Depp dead rumors surfaced on the internet but, aside from that, he is also facing many other controversies including his alleged re-connection to ex-girlfriend Kate Moss. This comes after his scandalous divorce with Amber Heard.
The Johnny Depp dead rumors state that the Pirates of the Caribbean star drowned himself due to his recent ordeal with estranged wife Heard. Meanwhile, others mistakenly thought that he died instead of Gene Wilder since he also played Willy Wonka for the remake of the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory film.
It appears that the Alice in the Wonderland star is having a very tough time as he faced the Johnny Depp dead rumors as well as the stories about him and Moss.

I guess it's not that surprising that some people could hear that the guy who played Willy Wonka died and assume it was Johnny Depp. And I could see that picking up some steam in the internet clubhouse.

But why is Johnny Depp having a hard time with these rumors? Is he worried that they might be true? Do people keep coming up to him and asking him if he's dead and he's not sure how to answer them? Not everyone who plays Willy Wonka dies at the same time. He's gotta know that. Or maybe he's worried because the real Johnny Depp died after the original 21 Jump Street TV series and the exceptional weirdo we've been treated to on the big screen for the past 30 years is actually an alien. We all know he tried to disrupt Australia's ecosystem with his dogs so the existing Johnny Depp is definitely up to something.

Now if Amber Heard left me, I might kill myself. But that's me. What was she doing with me in the first place? Johnny will be fine.

Ohio Man Acts Like A Gorilla, Nails It

WARREN, Ohio (WKBN) – On Friday officers were called to the Giant Eagle Plaza in Warren to investigate two white males who were running around the lot and taking off their clothes.

Timothy Cook, 32, of Leavittsburg entered the near by License Bureau, waved his arms around, exited the business and began masturbating on the sidewalk, according to the police report. The License Bureau then locked its doors due to safety concerns.

By the time officers arrived, they said they found Cook sweating profusely in the parking lot, acting like a “gorilla” by squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop, jumping up and down, screaming non-coherently and growling.

Another officer arrived to help detain Cook, who did not resist arrest. They called for an ambulance due to his erratic behavior and according to the police report, the ambulance administered Narcan to Cook for an apparent overdose. He was then taken to Trumbull Memorial Hospital.

The headline for this article reads: 
"Police: Man Found 'acting like gorilla,' touching self inappropriately"
I'm pretty sure if this guy was acting like a gorilla then he was actually touching himself appropriately.

The great method actors are no strangers to suffering for their craft.

Daniel Day Lewis wouldn't get out of his wheelchair on or off camera for My Left Foot. This left him with two broken ribs. Heath Ledger locked himself in a hotel room surrounded by comic books and clown pictures and hardly sleeping while playing the Joker. This left him severely exhausted and even more depressed. Robert DeNiro put on 60 pounds for Raging Bull. This left him fat for a little bit.

And in a desperate attempt to prove he could play a gorilla, Timothy Cook jerked off on a sidewalk. This left him in handcuffs.

He was naked, waving his arms, squatting, pounding his fists on the ground, jumping and yelling. Sure, that's pretty close. But if he didn't jerk off you would have never known he was a gorilla. You would have only thought he was crazy.

Bravo, Timothy.

Who Does John Connolly Think He's Kidding?

I was watching Black Mass last night, which was just whatever. But one thing that stood out to me was this move by John Connolly here. He offers his boss tickets to a Red Sox game on June 11, 1985. When his boss declines he tries to tempt him with "You sure? Clemens is pitching..." Roger Clemens' rookie season was 1984 in which he went 9-4 with a 4.32 era in 21 games. His breakout season came in 1986 when he started off 14-0 en route to a 24-4 finish and took home a Cy Young, an MVP and a game jersey with Wade Boggs' tears on it. Going into that June 11, 1985 start Clemens was a respectful 6-4 with a 3.44 era. So who is Connolly fooling kissing up to his boss by pimping out a pitcher who was not quite a household name? Clemens did start that game, no decision and the Sox lost 5-3. His boss would have had a terrible time! Nice try, Connolly. Fucking weasel.

Clowns Appearing, Disappearing and Reappearing In South Carolina Woods

South Carolina - CBS News - There’s a man-made trail winding through the woods near the Fleetwood Manor Apartments, leading to an abandoned home on the edge of a pond. Children say clowns live there.

Police in Greenville County in northern South Carolina haven’t been able to substantiate the children’s claims, but a police report from the first clown sightings on Aug. 21 reveal a “suspicious character ... dressed in circus clown attire and white face paint, enticing kids to follow him/her into the woods.”

A woman told a responding deputy that her son had “seen clowns in the woods whispering and making strange noises” at around 8:30 p.m. that night, according to the report, which was obtained by 48 Hours’ Crimesider.

She said the boy led her to where he saw the clowns, and then she also saw them “flashing green laser lights” before they ran away into the woods, according to the report. Around that same time, the woman’s older son reported hearing ”chains and banging on the front door” of their residence.

The “large-figured clown with a blinking nose, standing under a post light near the garbage dumpster area”  waved at her, and she waved back, according to the police report. “The suspect did not approach her or harm her.”

Several children in the area told police clowns had displayed “large amounts of money” in an attempt to lure them into the woods. 

Greenville County Sheriff’s Office Master Deputy Ryan Flood told Crimesider deputies investigated the house but found no clues.

Flood said witnesses have declined to give police their names.  

In one of two sightings reported on Monday night, a teenage girl told sheriff’s deputies she saw a man taking pictures of kids, and shortly after, saw a man wearing a black jacket and clown mask coming out of the woods.

In another incident that was not reported to police, residents told WSPA that they chased clowns after kids told them the clowns were by the playground. They told the station they saw the clowns drive away in a dark-colored car.

It is not clear how many clowns were inside the vehicle.

“To my knowledge, there haven’t been any kind of circuses in town,” Flood said. “There’s crazy stuff all the time, but nothing along the lines of this to my knowledge.”

I dare you to find a more frightening paragraph in the history of the written word than the first paragraph of this article.

So to sum this up, in just over a week there have been multiple reported sightings by adults, teenagers and kids of clowns mucking about the woods making noises, flashing lasers, taking pictures and flashing money at kids.

They claim they're all living together in an abandoned house yet the police have searched the whole woods and the house and haven't found a shred of evidence to support the claims. Oh, and the witnesses won't give their names. Oh, and according to the Sheriff's office, there ain't been no kind of circuses in town. And while the article doesn't specifically mention it, not one witness ever had a phone within reach to snap a pic or vid before the clowns vanished.

I think the safe assumption here is that this is alien-related. Obviously, they aren't living in the house, they're living underground or maybe even in the pond itself. This is just one of what will probably be thousands of small-unit offenses of varying methods (ie: not always clowns) set up by the aliens across the nation. In this case the clowns are making the townsfolk appear to cry wolf. They show up and wave then drill themselves into the ground before anyone knows whats what. And once all the authorities are convinced its bullshit and they settle down for a deep country sleep...The clowns will attack only this time the lasers will be real, vaporizing citizens one by one. The money will be fake though. No one is getting money from the clowns.

If by some small chance its not aliens, then it could be an elaborate marketing scheme for the remake of Stephen King's "It".

The author had to have known what he was doing when he wrote this line.. "It is not clear how many clowns were inside the vehicle."
Hilarious. Of course no one knows how many clowns were in that car. Alien or human, the most impressive power of clowns is their ability to maximize space inside of a car. If history is any indication it's safe to say there were no less than 12 clowns inside of that car.

But seriously though, this story is either totally made up or the witnesses are lying or the police are covering some shit up. Nothing about this story makes sense.

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