Mandarin Duck Peacocking in Central Park Pond

New York Times - This magnificent Mandarin duck mysteriously appeared in a Central Park pond last month and to the delight of birders and non-birders alike, it has remained.

I don't know what else to say about this duck other than I want to run my finger across it from beak to butt. I want to look in this duck's eyes and have him look back at me with acceptance. I would love to come to an understanding with this duck that we could be best of friends under the right circumstances.

Those tail-feathers are like a beautiful canvas that must remain untouched. If anyone were to hurt this duck or even so much as get it dirty, I would drown them.

I'm naming this duck Timothy and I hope you will all call him that too.

Thanks.

Youngster Calls 911 So As Not To Eat Salad

Pardon the Watermarked Photo But Just Had To

Halifax, Nova Scotia -
Have you ever had a meal so terrible that you need to get the authorities involved? Well, a 12-year-old boy from Halifax, Canada, felt the salad his parents made him was so horrible that he called the cops to place a complaint. 
According to the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, the unnamed boy first dialed them last Tuesday at around 10 p.m. local time to say that he didn't like the salad. But when police did not did not respond to his "emergency" quickly enough, he called them again to reiterate just how much he disliked it.
Hutchinson told CBC News although this incident involved a child, there have been other times in which adults have called police over non-emergencies, and improperly calling 911 can result in a fine.
In this case, the culprit was a young kid, and so the authorities decided to use the incident as a teaching lesson, and let the boy know to only call the police when there is a real emergency. "It created an opportunity for him to learn something from this," Hutchinson said, adding that the boy's parents were "not impressed."
The officer did not disclose what kind of salad caused the boy to become so upset, but shared the incident was enough to steer even him away from salad for at least 24 hours. "I typically have a salad everyday at lunch, but today is one of those days I'm not having one," he said.

This story really isn't funny at all. It's obviously disturbing to think that a child would call 911 just because his parents wanted him to eat salad. It raises a lot of questions; Maybe he's special needs? Maybe his dad threatened to kill him if he didn't eat the salad and he was too scared to tell the cops that part? Maybe the kid's just a sociopath asshole? 

But what's perplexing about this story is that the cops would "not disclose what kind of salad caused the boy to become so upset" Why?? What the hell was it about this salad that even traumatized the cop, who eats salad every day, so much that he had to skip it for a whole day?

The type of salad is crucial to this whole story. Were there bugs in this salad?  Was it just a full tomato and a raw egg sitting in a lettuce wedge? The more I think about it I'm guessing that this had to have been one of the most disturbing salads ever made. And it wasn't so much the salad as it was the kid had probably just had enough of his parents doing weird shit like this. He's probably home schooled, no TV, no iPad, the Bible is his bedtime story and his dad makes him mow the lawn every week with their electric lawn mower. That stinks for this kid. 

Now, if this kid is actually just some geeknosed chubster refusing to eat a healthy salad there is only one way the cops should have handled it. One cop points his gun at the parents while holding his finger to his lips to shush them while the other cop points his gun to the kids head and calmly says "Eat the salad, eat the salad". The parents will stare in horror while the kid is crying uncontrollably and literally shitting and pissing his pants until he finishes the whole thing.

Not only will he think twice about calling 911 willy-nilly again, but I guarantee his parents never serve him salad again. Win win.

Tips to Considerate Bestiality

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Kids, You Might Want To Skip Jim Carrey's House On Halloween

NY Daily News - Jim Carrey’s late ex-girlfriend Cathriona White was “disrespected, degraded” and “called a whore” after the actor gave her sexually transmitted diseases and refused to own up to it, she allegedly claimed in a newly unearthed letter.

The undated dispatch to Carrey, obtained by the Daily News on Friday, appeared in a revised wrongful death lawsuit filed by White’s estranged husband Mark Burton claiming “The Mask” star had given her herpes type 1, herpes type 2 and gonorrhea; lied about it; then dumped her prior to her September 2015 suicide by overdose.

“I wanted an apology, to be acknowledged and to respect be (sic) enough to take responsibility,” the Irish makeup artist allegedly scrawled. “To say ‘I gave you this, intentional or not, I gave it to you I understand that this is something that will affect you for the rest of your life, your future relationships (or lack of because of this) what can make this right?’”

“Instead of that, I was disrespected, degraded, called a whore, an opportunist, threatened our relationship belittled,” the letter continued. “And I really don’t think you can see ... I’m just an ungrateful b---h who you done so much for and I took advantage. That simply is not true.”

The letter continued with White, 30, allegedly lamenting that she’d always “have a stigma attached” in future romantic relationships.

“I am damaged, I am discusting (sic). When I shower I feel sick, getting turned on ... what’s that? Definitely not something that happens to me anymore,” she wrote. "So I have to accept something I was always afraid of. Being alone."

A string of text messages also obtained by The News — purportedly exchanged in early 2013 between Carrey and White — appeared to show White’s repeated attempts to confront the actor and his dismissive replies.

After White allegedly described “bumps down there” and other concerns to the actor, his purported responses grew progressively more irritated.

“I hope your ok, hun. It could be from someone before me ... It should be fine though. Most likely something else,” Carrey allegedly wrote Feb. 20, 2013.

A later alleged text from the actor read: “K don’t want to talk anymore. Deal with linda. I’m done. You have ... become too much drama.”

White, who had dated Carrey on and off starting in 2012, was found dead and surrounded by prescription pill bottles — some of them prescribed to an alias for Carrey — in her Los Angeles home Sept. 28. A toxicology report later ruled her death a suicide.

"It is despicable that Burton, who claims to have been Ms. White's husband but never lived with her and did not even reside in the same state she did, now comes forward trying to cash in on her death," he said in a statement at the time.

How about Jim Carrey handing out STD's like they're pamphlets on how to avoid getting STD's....

Now I know a good deal of Irish people, enough to tell you that the ones who are into American pop culture are actually obsessed with American pop culture. And the Truman Show was probably a new release over there by the time Cathriona moved to the states a few years ago. So she still may have been a little behind the times in not realizing that Jim Carrey doesn't really rate anymore. So she thinks she's getting lucky setting up shop with the star of Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011), and he's just happy to have that adorable little piece on his arm. This girl was a doll. Imagine this poor girl on the phone telling her family how she met this nice, funny movie star and the whole time she's sitting there with 2 types of herpes and a gonorrhea. Nevermind that the only non-sequel Carrey has been in in the last 5 years was Burt Wonderstone.

It sucks how this girl decided to end things, but any reasonable person reading that story knows she had to have had a lot more going on than STD's. And I don't really blame the ex for trying to cash in. She must have left him for Carrey and this guy probably did love her and he's trying to make Carrey pay. He does look like a scumbag for trying but he's the one who has to live with that.

One thing is for sure...fuck Jim Carrey at your own risk. Hollywood is a cesspool.

There's Something Wrong With The World Today

Somebody sent me this picture today. So of course without really noticing anything I clicked on the pic and zoomed in to get a closer look at the girl. Now there are some things in this world, not to be compared with all the global ills of war,  poverty, oppression....But just some things unto themselves, in their own context not to be held up against anything else, you get what I'm saying....some things are just plain wrong. Perfectly photoshopping a dick over the vagina of an unsuspecting pretty girl's picture may sit atop that list. I only blocked out from their noses up because I think it's important to see that the girls are smiling. This looks like it might have been one of the best days of their lives. That brick wall looks unbelievable. All they wanted to do is take a nice picture in their bathing suits in front of that wall and the next thing you know it becomes prank text message material for complete strangers. Because I don't know any of these girls. Do you? And I have to tell you, if i did know a girl that this happened to, I would feel very weird seeing that pic. And I would also feel weird the next time I saw her for real, because even though I know it's fake...I still saw her dick.  I don't care if this girl fucked over an ex or slept with one of the other girls in the pic's boyfriends. Nothing deserves this. This should qualify as some level of sexual assault to be honest.

Naked Bird Pulls At Heart Strings

Fox News - A Boston bird with a rare illness that left her without feathers has gone viral — the pet’s Instagram page has gained more than 68,000 followers in five weeks.
Rhea “The Naked Birdie” is 2 years old, and has psittacine beak and feather disease (PBFD), The Boston Globe reported. The illness currently only affects the bird’s feathers, but could move to her claws and beak. Rhea doesn’t require special medication or treatment for the disease, but undergoes bloodwork annually.

As a psoriasis victim myself I can kind of empathize with Rhea here. We are both basically lepers. But click on that link, read the article and watch the short video. This poor thing. If this bullshit disease actually does spread and makes her claws and beak fall off...she's nothing but a wing ding. Fry her up. I've always thought one of the cruelest things man has done is clip the wings of birds sold as house pets. Flying is magic. To deny something its natural ability to fly is sour grapes at its worst. But this feather dropping disease is pretty fucked up too. It's also super contagious to other birds which is even crazier. So how if one bird in the wild gets this...don't they just all?

Do you know most non-psoriasis people think its just some sort of skin disease? Like related to hygiene and stuff. It's actually an auto-immune disease where for some reason your body thinks it has a cut and needs to heal it. So it grows skin in a spot that doesn't need anymore skin, so it just flakes and flakes. My body is just being overprotective because it loves me so much. Heartbreaking, really. 

#fuckpsittacinebeakandfeatherdisease

Not Today, Nigerian Scam Artistes

So today as I was doggedly looking for content for my ignored blog, I came across an article about some guy who found an abandoned infant rodent on the street and took it home to save it. He had no idea what it was until it got a little bigger and he put a pic on reddit and they all told him it was a flying squirrel. Anyway, this was one of those asshole clickbait articles where every paragraph was one page and you had to click 'NEXT' to read on. So after like 6 pages, because I really had to get to the end of this, I got the above image. I know its not super clear, but its a spyware message with a Microsoft banner and a warning message that all my shit has been hacked, a number to call, and even an audio message that its an emergency and you need to call. So I sent the pic to my laptop guy. Yeah, I have a laptop guy. And he was like "yeah, its a browser redirect virus and if you call that number there will be Nigerians on the other end waiting to remote in to your computer and steal your files and then hold them hostage til you pay to get them back." Now, I knew this was a fake message, you know its a fake message...BUT he told me he's had quite a few customers that have called him because they fell for this. Obviously if you fall for this you kind of thing you deserve to have your shit taken. But can you imagine what its like in that Nigerian hut when that fucking phone actually rings? I'm not a huge fisherman, but I've fished a good amount of times. And no matter how many times I've thrown that line in the water...everytime I feel a tug on the line I'm like "Ha! I can't believe this fuckin worked!" The sad truth is that there is nothing like putting a devious plan into place and having it come to fruition. It's fucked up. So when that phone rings in Nigeria those guys go fucking cuckoo, I guarantee. A zillion high fives. Probably like Boiler Room and then the head guy does the "just a little bit softer now...just a little bit softer now..." before he answers the phone. Microsoft, can I help you?